Remind Me

Dearest.
I feel like I ignored you today.
If you felt it too it breaks my heart and I’m sorry.

I am busy.
I need to provide.
I am worried.

I was all those things today.
Wrapped up.
A ball of those things.

It took me away from you.
I make myself angry sometimes.
Please know it has nothing to do with you.

If I was stronger today I would have talked with you more,
Laughed with you more,
Pressed you for more information about your day.

If I was healthier today I would have held you longer in that great hug we had,
Spent more time staring at your face,
Seen you grow taller before my eyes.

But I wasn’t.
Wasn’t.
Just. Wasn’t.

You will learn that one day.
Some days you just don’t get it right.
Maybe you’re too young to understand that. Probably not.

Will you teach me?
This world you are growing in confounds me sometimes.
It’s pace and emotion and quick temper.

Then it’s grace,
It’s generosity,
It’s glorious absurdity.

 

I think you will make it work for you.
I think you will make sense of it, unlike me.
I think you will teach me about it one day.

I wish you were a little bit older so you could teach me more, right now.
A terrible wish.
I want you to be my child forever.

One day you will look at me with anger when you realize all the damage I did to you.
Your mother and I.
Simply by raising you.

But when you move through that time
You will realize your mistake,
And then we will have years to laugh about it.

We will meet in the middle.
Then you will astound me in some way.
Then you will surpass me.

That is how this goes.
I look so forward to those times.
But I dread them too.

I dread the moment I realize I missed out.
I dread the feeling that you don’t feel safe.
I dread the moment I can’t help you and you have to do it on your own.

So remind me today to stop.
Remind me today to laugh with you.
Remind me today to see you now.

These are great times.
If you will forgive me.
Patiently.

-HF

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