HLFĀS here.

You know you’re favourite

Multi disciplinary artist.

What’s that?

Never heard of her.

Shut up about that and listen for a second,

I’ve got something very important to talk to you about.


Now I don’t know if you are aware,

But for many years

People just like you and your

Mind sludgy acquaintances

Smoked cigarettes.


Now I know you know

About cigarettes you filthy scrotes,

But did you Know that cigarettes used to be Smoked:



In houses,


Even flying death traps called planes, making

The concept of flying both stupid AND Poisonous.


After many years of corporate success,

It was magically discovered,

Out of nowhere and without any previous Knowledge,

That cigarettes were terrible for you.

Even deadly.



Obvious you say?


Billions of dollars and

Years of court testimony would prove you

Wrong, you know it all sheep-herder.


After much compromise,

It was agreed that cigarettes

Were a tiny gulp of poison

Inside a little white pecker

And they became outlawed

In most public and private places.


Good isn’t it? Yep.

Of course there are still people who suck cigarettes,

But we will not judge them.

We will only tell them

They are addicted corporate shills

And move on.


Fast forward a few years,

To a population

That wants everything always,

Governments only interested in

Governance as an

Ineffective teen-father.


Instead of real world politicking or

Substantial decision making,

We have been given the right to buy weed/

Excuse me, Marijuana,

At a grocery store

Between the Benilyn and the hipster beard balm.


Take what you get,

From a modern political system

That assumes making good on 10% of promises

Coupled with getting people high,

Is governing good enough

As long as they throw in a few years of tweets

About famous people dying

And congratulating hockey teams.



Whatever the powers that be decide,

However they decide to implement these new weed laws will be fine.

It will work out,

Because they always make decisions in an effective and thoughtful way.




Listen ,

I’m cool.

I’m hip.

I am not here to make a

Political statement either way.

I, of all people, should not be hard on anyone

With vices of any kind.


I certainly have my share:

Sugar women,

Intravenous chicken broth use,

And human taxidermy.

So I am the last to tell you not to do something…


Except, and this brings me to my point:

If you are going to smoke,

And I don’t give a shit if you do (but don’t)

But if you do,

Please be aware of where you are blowing out

Your second hand,


Chest organ spew.




Think of your second hand smoke,

As a putrid mix of

Your unique poison

Mixed with decades of lung butter

That no one wants to inhale or walk through.


Don’t buy it? Ok…


Picture this:

A woman is walking down the street. She is about to pass a man who is drinking a soda…

the two pass each other, the man slowly drags a sip from his pop can, as if to suck the flavours out of every molecule to achieve the perfect feeling and at the exact moment the woman passes him, he spits out his fetid non-potable saliva infused, carbonated, aspartame bath straight up in the air and the woman walks straight through the descending spray, forcing her to ingest the aluminum canned cesspool through her open eyeballs.


Or this:

A man, excited to see his friends as they gather for the birthday of another of their brood. But he’s late. He’s the last one to arrive at this gathering where everyone is consuming a beverage of some glamour or another.

He knocks politely, but only for effect, then he opens the door to greet all of his lovely friends. But instead of a lovely greeting, they all turn to him, and in one simultaneous group vomit, they spit their mouth liquid (complete with yesterday’s beef dip that is still stuck between their teeth) they spit it right into this poor gentlemen’s face.


Or even this:

A man and a woman are at a romantic dinner.

He tells her how important she is to him,

he explains that there is no place he would rather be, no person he’d rather be with, no universe in all of space and time than this one right here. He raises his glass of house red wine that he got for a discount from the girl at the liquor store selling free samples. He toasts his one and only, he slowly takes a drink and spits it directly into her hastily done make up and emergency bunned-up hair.


That my terrible

Sorrow miners,

Is exactly what it feels like

To be in the vicinity of a smoker.


So here’s the deal:

I don’t care if you smoke



Horse urine,

Vacuum cleaner bags,




Shoe goo,

The dust that falls off rusty nails,

Sweater vests,

Or even crack.


But for the love of God,

Don’t blow that sludge around

So we have to suck it in.

You of all people should know

How disgusting you are,

Where you’ve been,

And the exact reasons no one wants to breathe In what you’ve cooked up

In those systemically dysfunctional lungs of yours.


Do us all a favour,

Look in the mirror

And realize what a horrible person you are

When you willingly spray that mucous mist in our faces.




This was a good chat.

You are looking much less disproportionately fractured today.

I really mean that.


Until next time,

This is Me,

From a dark corner of the Heelfactory,

Looking out for you.

Me first.

But you also.



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